me & mom

my mom is here for a visit. she has dementia. i didn't have the happiest childhood and when she's around, i don't have the happiest adulthood. she is still overbearing and gets angry easily, but now she's also argumentative about even the smallest of details and frequently tries to end any disagreement with "well, i'll be dead soon and you won't have to worry with me then." ho can argue with that?

she lives with my sister and her husband. they are looking into putting her into a home, but if she goes, her check would go with her, so that is out of the question. my sister had offered to let her stay with me, but only if it's for free. no aount of m oney could entice me to take care of my mom 24/7. i know that sounds evil, but she did some pretty bad things to me.

i was a child whose face should have been on a milk carton. she snatched when i was 3 months old and went into hiding. i wasn't in any danger, but she didn't want to deal with my father. i grew up hearing ho bad my father was and how if i wasn;t good she would send me to live with him and he wuld hurt mr and rape me. ye, she said that to a child.

i found my father when i was 24, but he had been dead for 3 years. but according to his second wife, he never forgot me or gave up hope he would find me.

my mother never got a dime of child support out of him. when i was 11, i even got her an appointment with juvenille court to get child support. she ended up giving the case worker oral sex in his office and he never called again. we also never got child support. she claims she had to do it, that he threatened to turn her in for stealing me. i have my doubts.

now she sits on the sofa and i look over at her and wonder how she could treat me, her only child, that way. i would never do my son like that. i think it is divine retributution that she is in the condition she is in now.

then in the next breath i ask god to forgive me. i don't want to live my life this bitter.

blue flu and STUFF

not that anybody noticed, but i haven't updated in a while.

i had the flu! or some type of virus! or something just short of death!

mel, you won the book! as soon as live.com stops throwing a snit fit, i will open your email and get your book out to you.

this week's giveaway will be a random cookbook from my massive collection. it will probably be the one that won't fit on my bookcase correctly. i will take entries until april 18, 12:00 noon. lower 48, usa only, blah blah blah! to qualify, send me the weirdest ingredient in your pantry. if you know why you have it, tell me. ut you may not know why it ended up in your cabinet...

i have a secret shame...there is a mall in my garage. yes, when i had to downsize, i just put the things i couldn't process and didn't need immediately in the garage. so there is enough room to put my car in and the rest is just STUFF!

i have listed a dinette set and some clothing on craigslist. i have had quite a bit of response, but i need to take some pics. i need some money, not boxes of stuff!

i can't bring myself to call it clutter, so i call it STUFF! to me, clutter is crap no one wants and no one needs. these are valuable thing that i once put great value in owning. based on the number of emails i have gotten from craigslist, it is of value to someone else. once i have it down to a manageable level, it may become clutter. but for now, i am in my safety zone and calling it STUFF!