me & mom

my mom is here for a visit. she has dementia. i didn't have the happiest childhood and when she's around, i don't have the happiest adulthood. she is still overbearing and gets angry easily, but now she's also argumentative about even the smallest of details and frequently tries to end any disagreement with "well, i'll be dead soon and you won't have to worry with me then." ho can argue with that?

she lives with my sister and her husband. they are looking into putting her into a home, but if she goes, her check would go with her, so that is out of the question. my sister had offered to let her stay with me, but only if it's for free. no aount of m oney could entice me to take care of my mom 24/7. i know that sounds evil, but she did some pretty bad things to me.

i was a child whose face should have been on a milk carton. she snatched when i was 3 months old and went into hiding. i wasn't in any danger, but she didn't want to deal with my father. i grew up hearing ho bad my father was and how if i wasn;t good she would send me to live with him and he wuld hurt mr and rape me. ye, she said that to a child.

i found my father when i was 24, but he had been dead for 3 years. but according to his second wife, he never forgot me or gave up hope he would find me.

my mother never got a dime of child support out of him. when i was 11, i even got her an appointment with juvenille court to get child support. she ended up giving the case worker oral sex in his office and he never called again. we also never got child support. she claims she had to do it, that he threatened to turn her in for stealing me. i have my doubts.

now she sits on the sofa and i look over at her and wonder how she could treat me, her only child, that way. i would never do my son like that. i think it is divine retributution that she is in the condition she is in now.

then in the next breath i ask god to forgive me. i don't want to live my life this bitter.